2000-02-18

dear internet,

it's me, scott.

today, i will present my letter to you in 'choose your own adventure' format, because everyone who loves books obviously loves reading 'choose your own adventure' books.

okay, here goes:

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page 1:

you are sitting at home on a snowy thursday night, when your phone rings. you pick it up, press 'talk', and say 'hello?'. it is your friend, ray, and he is wondering if you would like to go out tonight for nachos.

if you choose to tell ray that it is too snowy out, and you'd rather stay home and pet your kitten, turn to page 12. if you tell ray to come and pick you up, turn to page 7.
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page 2:

you slide over to the driver's side of the car and take control. the car slides around a bit on the snowy roads, but you manage to make it to the resturaunt (babe's, named after the baseball player, not... you know, girls) safely. you, ray, and curtis seat yourselves at a table near the bar and place your orders.

if you decide to order a chicken sandwich and a glass of water, turn to page 10. if you want a chicken sandwich and a bottle of beer, turn to page 9. if you don't want a chicken sandwich at all, turn to page 3.
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page 3:

you're not scott! you imposter! you lose the game! the end!
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page 4:

you decide to order another beer from that cutecutecute waitress. after becoming liquored up, you finally work up the nerve to ask her for her phone number. if you say 'hey baby, that shirt looks very becoming on you... but then again, if i were on you, i'd be coming too!' turn to page 6. if you say 'hey baby, that shirt would look much better bunched up at the foot of my bed tomorrow morning!!' turn to page 8.
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page 5:

you tell ray you don't really feel like driving his car in this horrible weather. ray continues to drive, but while crossing the intersection of university and park street, he begins having wild seizures, loses control of his car, runs over 17 pedestrians, and drives off a cliff.

you die. you lose. you suck. the end!
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page 6:

that's no way to treat a woman! and aside from that, you're a pervert! she slaps your face, spits on you, and you die. the end!
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page 7:

you tell ray to come and pick you up, becasue there's no way that you're going to drive in this weather with your deathsled of a car. he says 'okay', and a few minutes later, there is a knock at your door.

you pick kitty up off of your lap, and walk to the door. you open it, and much to your surprise, it's ray!! you put your coat on and walk with him to his car.

ray drives you downtown, and you pick up his friend curtis. ray, however, is having back problems and asks you to drive his car for him. if you decide to risk certain death and take the wheel, turn to page 2. if you'd rather play it safe and let ray keep driving, turn to page 5.
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page 8:

'cute!' says the really cute waitress, 'but you're not really my type, you ugly smelly fat hairy loser. go to hell!'

you cry, and everybody in the bar begins hitting you with their broken beer bottles. you are rushed to the hospital, but somebody forgets to close the ambulence doors, and you roll out into busy traffic. a semi truck runs over you, and you die. the end!!
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page 9:

you order a chicken sandwich and a bottle of beer, which the extraordinarily cute waitress brings you. you chat it up with ray and curtis while eating your delectable chicken sandwich and drinking your tasty tasty beer.

but! suddenly, without warning, your vision becomes blurry and you start slurring your speech. you then remember that you gave blood this morning, and, as a side-effect, you have become a lightweight. 'however,' you think to yourself, 'i could use this to my advantage!'

if you decide to order another beer, turn to page 4. if you decide not to drink anymore, turn to page 3.
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page 10:

you order your chicken sandwich and large glass of water, remembering that you gave blood earlier today and were told to drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids throughout the day. you have a lovely conversation with ray and curtis, mostly involving how cute you think the waitress is. you finish your sandwich, pay the bill, and walk back to ray's car.

you get back into ray's car, and ray and curtis want to go out for coffee. you, however, are very very tired for some reason. do you decide to go to starbucks even though starbucks sucks? if so, turn to page 13. if you decide to say 'nope, sorry, i don't want to fall asleep at the wheel! i'm goin' home to cuddle with my cute kitten.' turn to page 14.






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page 11:

stop cheating! cheater!! there is no way you could have gotten to this page unless you were cheating! i don't like cheaters. you are not allowed to read 'choose your own adventure' diaries anymore. hrmpf!
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page 12:

you tell ray that you'd rather stay home, and he begins crying and tells you that he hates you and wishes you were dead. you hang up on him, grab your kitten, and pet her until you both fall asleep.

the end!
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page 13:

you decide that, even though you're really tired, maybe going out for coffee would be okay, especially since ray and curtis want to go. you drive to starbucks and walk inside.

you order a vanilla steamer, ray order chai, and curtis says he doesn't want anything. you walk upstairs and sit on a big comfy couch and begin looking around at all of the cute girls reading or studying, and begin to wonder why you have such trouble meeting new people.

steamed milk probably wasn't the best beverage choice, however, because it is only making you sleepier. ray finishes his chai a dn the three of you walk through the snow back to the car.

you tell ray that you're tired of driving, and he takes the wheel. you drop curtis off at his apartment, ray drives you back to yours, and you crawl into bed with a nice, warm kitten. you easily fall asleep, and dream of liza q. potter, as you do every night.

the end!
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page 14:

you tell ray and curtis that you'd rather go home, and they both understand. you drop curtis off at home, drive back to your apartment, and hope into bed with your kitten. you fall asleep and have some really weird dreams involving everyone from mike simon to liza q. potter. the end!
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wow. that was a really lame diary.

love,
scott.

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